Feeling my skin crawl.
Why me?
Why them?
WHY, GOD?

I feel I don't know up from down.
Forced to frown.
The past haunts:
recent and years ago.

Overwhelmed with conflicting
emotions pouring out.

Hurricane, rain, thunder,
lighting...
g.

Fighting for mindfulness,
radical acceptance,
self CONTROL.

Illness isn't an option.
I know I can be lazy,

I know my faults.
I know my strengths.

But...
I struggle to find...
and accept
my options.

A pretezel longing to be untangled.
String loose and bounding.
Tight as handcuff.
Resilient as the wind,
changing direction.

Not A Mooch

I don't work and am on Disability. This is not by choice. Especially recovering from two mental breaks. Newsflash: Both involve constant treatment and self care.
I didn't think of where to volunteer, and I knew my health wasn't well enough.  However, I now feel I am getting there.
I am applying to volunteer at a nursing home and at a hospital. I am becoming more active in library and community events. I try to attend physical activities at the YMCA. I am looking to POSSIBLY going back to  (very part time) work, and MAYBE class, one a semester.
On the current side, I clean, make (a lot of) phone calls, read, and am looking to learn how to knit.
I am attending a program that will finish soon. I socialize,  shop,  and more.
If I "mooch" from the government, I would like to know how.

My Views on My Mental Illness

If you have a physical disability people get it. With visual impairment; pain issues, and mental illness; not so much. MThain reason I have SSDI is because of my mental illness.
In the psych ward (I was there twice) it's not like you are meeting a bunch people like  the  homeless schizophrenic you often  see. Even if they do scream/hear voices, have a manic episode  and/or have a psychotic episode, most are just as normal as anyone. They are people, like me, that have simply lost their way in life.
However, we were subjected to glares and stares, from other doctors in the hospital.  We think we are overcoming stigmatizing. Nope. We have a long way to go.
Mental illness is just  an illness. To truly move forward, we need to realize that unless criminally insane, no harm is usually intended in a psychotic episode or manic episode.
Manic or psychotic eousides can be non violent. For example,  a person with mania (like me), could just go overboard with work, as in literally a few days and nights on a project. A stressed out person with psychosis may simply hear negative voices. With prescriptions, these symptoms can be controlled.
Meds can be both expensive and addictive. I recently had a SCARY Clonopin withdrawal, for example.
As many know, I am no addict. But I thought "as needed" had to mean all the time. Because I was so constantly anxious. 
Therapy can help. But it takes WORK. I am trying, myself.
Meds really are, unfortunately, a lifeline.
Just something to think about, when a friend says they have a mental illness.

Maracas

Big and shaken.
Rambling and chanting.
Am I right or am I wrong?
Why think this?
How and when do I move on?
Where am I headed?
Who I am I becoming?
Shake, shake, shake...

War

The soldiers have long left home. Perhaps for the last time.I don't want anyone to die. Each is part of me.
But the side hurting me...must go.
Resisting, out of fear of not having the hurt I have long known...too Well!
The army for my health is getting stronger, each new day.
God, please guide My Health to fight My Illness.
All things are possible with you.
I have long believed. But I can't stand this wait.  Inpatient, desperate, needy,  feeling pathetic--
My Illness must finally die. I don't feel I can cope. God, please give My Health some hope. Please teach me to cope.

Monster

I feel so hideous.
Jealousy turns me black and blue. 
Like a scaly creature idolizing a swan...
Crumbling instead.
But forcing myself to smile.
Hopefully this will be gone.
In a little while I--
Will love myself.
Know I made fearfully and wonderfully made.
Someday.
Today I let the tears fall.
Just want to feel anything.
Anything at all...
Just the good.
All I can handle.

Take me Or Leave Me

I have learned how valuable I am, and all I can accomplish. This post is not to gloat,  but a statement of  confidence.
This weekend,  someone on Disability said they couldn't imagine not working.
At first, I chose to feel inadequate.
Then, I actually thought about the differences in our situations.
I still feel inferior that I will not be working.  However,
I will contribute in volunteering, my church, join some groups,  and go to the Library, frequently.
I am trying to learn that I don't have to justify myself to anyone.
I will get there!

Update

Well, I have a great home health aide, and am learning amazingly affective coping skills!
Yes, just yesterday was a little rough. But I am finally changing into a more calm, collected woman.
I have always said, "I have a long way to go."
However, I finally starting to see there is a speck of light at the end this tunnel.
I will walk out, one day.
No my mental illnesses will not be cured.
But I will be able to manage them, even at worst, with more love and respect for myself.
This tunnel has been dark, bumpy, slippery, had a lot of twists and turns. I have been misdirected and gotten hopelessly lost, it seemed.
But I changing that, and trying my best to not turn back!

Adjusting

Two weeks post my hospital stay, I am feeling more confident I am getting the help I need. I am learning more coping skills, and how to overlook guilt. I made a list of everything I am grateful for, and did relaxing activities, to keep myself up, until 11. Unfortunately, my alarm wasn't on and I awoke at 10:30. But all of this is a huge learning curve. Baby steps!

Psych ward: Great Life Experience

Yes, that's right. It made me realize I am not alone. I associated with peers. We learned about how to address our issues, productively. The recreation center was great and well equipped. I even learned how to loom.
My brother in law inspects fire alarms throughout the state. He told me how horrible state hospital's psych wards can be.
I am immensely grateful I went to Overlook for my Hospitalization.